[I always give the disclaimer that if you are opposed to premarital sex, masturbation or other forms of sexual behavior, then My Body Rocks® may either not be for you, or it will open your mind. I am here as a source of insight, encouragement, and promotion of body and self-confidence.]
I wasn't sure about what I would write for my first blog post about sex until I remembered a conversation I had with a friend of mine. She was telling about an overnight date she was going on with a close companion. She was planning what she was going to wear and take with her including sexy clothes, condoms, and lubrication. As she was packing, she said jokingly, “ Jen, I'm going to be a Slut tonight!"; ending with a giggle. I Iaughed with her, knowing she was half kidding, but then I said, "No, you're not going to be a Slut, you are preparing to have an enjoyable sexy evening." I went on to say that even though she was kidding and didn't actually regard herself as a Slut, the fact that she stated it alluded to something interesting that even recently discussed with a male friend of mine. We were talking about women who are very conservative and even repressive when it comes to sex. As usual, I referred to my experiences and observations first and those thoughts took me back to childhood.
I believe there is stigma regarding sex and women that has been subconsciously embedded in the minds of some, or maybe most women, starting at a young age.
As young girls, in my community at least, we were taught to be "good girls". If we were caught doing or saying anything that seemed other than behaving "prim and proper or “lady-like”, there were names for girls like that. I am by all means grateful for the manners, poise, and values my mother instilled in me. To this day, I credit her for qualities that are still ingrained in my consciousness.
However; there is a fine line between grooming a child properly and placing judgmental labels on young girls. In elementary school, mothers and even friends would already identify a girl as someone to stay clear of, if the girl was seen hanging, talking to or playing with too many boys too often. Or, if a rumor got out that there was a kiss or a touch between a boy and girl, then that girl was considered Fast or Loose. I have no idea what or if the boy was labeled with a title.
By high school, if a female started having sex and was rumored to have had a variety of "boyfriends" or "got with" a certain number of boys, then she was considered Wild, Easy, a Tramp, Hussy, or a Slut. These were not titles to be considered honorable at all, even if the girl herself had never thought of herself that way. Again, I do not recall if boys with equivalent behavior were given labels.
To be clear, I am not condoning disrespectful, self-destructive behavior. Yet, teenagers and even adults, make poor judgment calls, including sexual activity and relationship choices. My concern is the stigma placed on a female regarding her actual or often assumed sexual activity.
The derogatory attitude towards female girls and teens can form a negative inward emotion about oneself and an unwanted reputation she may carry for years.
Even in college on to adulthood, I have heard men and women refer to a female as promiscuous, or a Whore/Hoe; while a male involved in similar sexual activity is at the most considered a Womanizer or Playboy. Of course, there are young women and even older adults who have decided to be reckless in their sexual behavior. However; I do not believe in placing a double standard on what is considered acceptable for a woman versus a man. Regardless of one’s beliefs, morals or values, unless you are in someone’s shoes, you have no idea what or why a person behaves in a certain manner. Making public assumptions about a person’s sexual nature or behavior it is irresponsible and insensitive.
Psychology Today contributor, Dr. Fredric Neuman, M.D. wrote, “ ‘Promiscuous’ is a term that is almost always used when speaking about a woman; it is most often pejorative. It refers to a woman—usually a young woman—who has sex frequently and casually. The people who use the label "promiscuous", consider such behavior as reprehensible and evidence of an emotional failing of some sort”.
And who wants that type of reputation?
So, in order to avoid being labeled or thought of a certain way, a girl will present herself publicly as the very opposite.
She will make it a point not to carry out certain desired experiences, no matter how safe and mindful, just for the sake of sparing her reputation.
So no wonder many women tend to be extremely conservative when it comes to sex. Women have been tainted with labels, not always taught or guided thoroughly about sex, abused and violated. Unfortunately, many regard sex as something to avoid altogether, not enjoyed and forbidden.
I am not validating obscene, unhealthy or reckless sexual behavior. There are valid reasons we are taught to be careful of our behavior and decisions. Religion and spirituality, of course, serve as the foundation for most of us when it comes to our values and core beliefs. Trauma from being violated can obviously create almost debilitating effects in our minds and bodies.
With all of that taken into consideration, I think it is vital that girls, young ladies and grown women be able to define for themselves who they are and what is acceptable for them by learning to trust their inner spirit and develop self-confidence.
I say this no matter one's religious, cultural or family background. Your inner knowing must line up with who you are out in the world in regards to everything, including your thoughts and behaviors regarding sex.
I tend to be the opposite of "conservative" when it comes to sex in that I am liberated from the stigma, cliche terms, rigid doctrine, and narrow mindedness often surrounding the topic of sexual topics. Values and morals have their place in my life in all matters, and as I mature, I become even more confident in who I am and my purpose. With that comes a feeling of liberation, not only with how I handle my body but first and foremost in how I handle my emotions and thinking.
I want you to first have a healthy relationship with yourself. You must feel comfortable with who you are so that you can make decisions, and engage according to what you trust, not in fear of what you may be called or how you may be regarded by others.
In order to fully enjoy yourself as a sexual being, you must first love yourself, know what you like and don't like, be willing to experiment, be open-minded to what you don't know, trust your instincts/inner spirit, free yourself of shame, ask questions, and like what you see in the mirror, and appreciate your God-given body! ( no matter the shape, size, color, etc!)
